Dramatic Post (You can skip this one. It's long.)

Today I had to visit my back up doctor for a routine glucose tolerance test and also a brief check up. When I got to the office they informed me that Dr. M was at the hospital (possibly delivering babies) and I could either wait for him or see the other doctor in the office. Since I didn't feel like waiting forever I chose to see the other doctor, Dr. H. Since this was the first time we met she asked me some routine questions (even though all the answers were in my file) and seemed very pleasant. That is until we she started the ultrasound. She then started interrogating me about why I decided to have a home birth. I could tell she wasn't a fan of the idea because of the questions. It's hard to explain it but the questions were almost a way of her telling me she didn't agree with it.

For example:

So, what if something was wrong during delivery? Would your midwife make you stay at home? Would you be allowed to seek medical help?
(Make me stay home? Allowed to seek help? What?! My midwife isn't insane!)

What happens if you are in a lot of pain? How would you get relief?
(I kind of snickered at this question because the answer is, you can't get an epidural at home. You figure out how to deal with the pain.)

How much does it cost you?
(None of your freakin business!)

Do you go to her house to deliver? That's a long way for you to drive while in labor.
(Nope. Its a home birth. My home. My birth.)

How does the midwife know if something is wrong with the baby if you aren't hooked up to a fetal monitor?
(She had a doppler that can hear the baby. Plus, she's awesome and smart and has delivered tons of babies. She knows when something isn't right.)

Where in your house do you give birth?
(I told her how I gave birth to Walter in mt living room. She responded, "Hmmmm.")


Those are just a few of the questions she asked me at rapid fire. When she was done I felt like I had to defend myself to her and she wasn't satisfied. She isn't even my doctor!! She then told me I needed to come back in 2 weeks when Dr.M said that he only needed to see me a total of 3 times during my pregnancy, which is pretty standard for a backup doctor.

When I asked why I needed to come back so soon she told me that I needed closer monitoring.
For what? Just to make sure everything stay normal.
Is something not normal? No, you are having a very normal and healthy pregnancy.
So why? Because we just want to keep it that way.
Is there a possibility of something going wrong? Maybe. We don't know.

ARRGGG!!! 

If my pregnancy is healthy then why are you treating me as if something is wrong? I was so frustrated with her. I talked to my midwife after the appointment and she told me that Dr. H is very against home birth and tries to find small problems to get woman to deliver at the hospital! WHAT?! Why would someone do that? If there is no problem and everything is fine then I should be able to deliver at home. JUST LIKE MY PREVIOUS HEALTHY, NORMAL DELIVERY!!!

I felt so discouraged but Travis and my midwife helped me feel better and I am cancelling the unnecessary appointment and setting up one for a finally important test. That is all I need from them is just this one more test and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to fight for it. Birth shouldn't be this way. No one should have to feel bad for what they are doing. If something were to be wrong then you bet I would be marching into that hospital but if everything is good then why not do it the way I want to. Let me trust my body.

I've heard/read times when people were forced into doing something related to their birth that they weren't comfortable with and I really thought I wasn't going to be one of those women. I still feel slightly defeated. You know when you think back to a situation and wished you would have said or done something different? I sort of feel like way. I'm continuing to pray that God calm my heart and mind and to give me peace about this whole thing. I know God will help me through this.

Thanks for reading this! And even if no one does, I feel better just to get it out of my head.