Postpartum Depression

Lots of terrible writing ahead.

I've been dealing with some postpartum depression like symptoms for a few weeks now. It's not a everyday thing. Somedays I feel completely normal and other days I feel like this heavy weight falls on me. Like a darkness that starts in my head and works its way down my body. I can almost physically feel it happen. It's so strange. 

Something triggers this. A situation or just a simple negative thought and it doesn't go away. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it. Then it turns into this sort of voice that says, "You're terrible at ______." Then I'll just fill in the blank (being a mom, being a wife, losing weight, looking pretty, having friends, being interesting, serving and honoring Christ, being a good example, showing Jesus to the world, teaching Walter, etc.). It's never just one thing. It always escalates until I feel like I'm falling apart and no one cares and no one can see it. And I'm alone with these thoughts. 

I feel almost ashamed because I have Jesus so there is no reason to feel this way, right? I just need to call on him and he will make me whole again. Of course I know that this is true but when I'm in this darkness I feel so trapped and almost drowning so I can't catch my breathe enough to call out to Jesus. I'm so ashamed to say that. I know he is the ultimate healer! He's done it before and he'll do it again! I'm failing at what God is calling me to do. 

I can't sleep. I'm up at night for hours at a time because of this (and Truman but that's okay!). I distance myself and it makes me feel worse. People have stopped talking to me. I mean I still get the small talk but no one wants to have a real conversation with me. I've only told a few people about this depression but I always add, "It's all better now!" so they don't feel awkward and get weirded out by me. So I never truly share what's going on. 

I don't think I'm smart enough to try and finish writing what I'm feeling. Right now it feels like a bad day. It could turn around though. 

Somedays are good and some days are bad.